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Mentally, physically tired, sucked own penis after AMPHETAMINE use.

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Hello, Ive had for a long time problems with my body. I dont really know how to describe it other than that Ive felt awfully tired, mentally and physically for the last five years. Sometimes its like a big delay between mind and body. It happened after I did amphetamine and strained myself physically, about five years ago. I kept numbing the pain with more amphetamine and alcohol, which I eventually stopped doing because I realised it did not allow my body to heal. Now its gotten to a point where Im in desperate need for a quiet envoriment to function properly. Basicaly, I can feel my body repairing itself slowly, but surely. But everytime there is a unexpected noise, my body kinda gets shocked. Filled with tension. I have done MRs and xrays and it shows nothing wrong. Im not sure what else test to do. If I lie down, I can feel Im about to relax, and my mind disapears for a wile into fantasy land, almost as a pshycosis, but I always knows its not real, I even steer it in the direction I want. Meanwhile, my body stars to gain better mobility again. But it always gets disrupted by some noise, cars, planes, doors.. etc. Now I have commited myself voluteraliy into a mental instiute to see if they can help, but Im weary about the medicine they want to give me.. its basically antipsycotika, and I worry about the bi effects, mainly the motoric bi effects... I already have problems there, I dont need more!! They dont seem to acknowledge that there is something wrong with me physically, so I am really worried right now... I think there might be something to do with the sense that controlls my spacial awareness.... I dont know what to do now. I commited myself here because I had nowhere else to go... my apartment is to noisy, but its noisy here too!!! My last resort will be suicide. I really dont want to, I see hope if I could only get to a quiet place and stay there for a while, but nobody wants to help me with this.... Please help me!! Sorry for spelling mistakes, I wrote this in a hurry. I will answer any follow up question... Sincerely Michael.

PS, here are some symptoms.

Numbness, that tends to go away given an opertunity to lie down undisturbed, if I the stand up, I gain back some of my mobility.
Tingling in hands and feet.
Feeling as if I cant reach stuff, even do I can, but it feels wrong, like my joints twist in an unnatural position. This causes alot of anxiety.
Feeling like it takes away too much of my focus, I cant focus on things for a long time. I feel downright retarded sometimes. I guess you could say lowered mental cognition. Unable to think long term. Have a hard time remembering things, I suspect its because I do not have the focus to remember by assosiation. If that makes sense. Unable to sit in same position for longer periods of time. I have to sorta sit in a position between relaxed and tense spot.

Also..... and this is not a joke, and I have never told anyone about this. I sucked my own penis during my amphetamine use... I havent had the guts to tell anyone. What the fuck do I do?????? Please help me!

Category: Neurologist, Medical

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Category: Pediatric Neurologist
 23 Doctors Online

Thanks for posting your query at
I have gone through your question in detail and I can understand what you are going through.
From what you have stated it is quite clear that you are having a depressive episode. Depression can occur with regular stress and it can also occur biologically without any stress as well. You need proper treatment for the same. There are various effective therapies for depression like fluoxetine, venlafaxine, bupropion, mirtazapine or escitalopram and they are all very effective and mostly safe. You may also require some benzodiazepines like clonazepam or lorazepam for a short period like 2-3 weeks to reduce the anxiety and help with your sleep. I understand that you are on antipsychotics and antipsychotics do help with augmenting the treatment of depression. But you need to be kept on an antidepressant first.
Regarding the metabolic side-effects, yes some anti-psychotics are a matter of concern but some like aripiprazole or ziprasidone are safe.
If you are averse to the drug therapies then there is also an option of cognitive behavioural therapy. This therapy is taken by either a psychologist or a psychiatrist in which the therapist identifies impaired cognitions (Thoughts) and try to correct them. They are 15-20 min weekly session and there should be around 8-10 sessions to help you with your illness.
Hope this helps,
In case if you have any further query, do let me know.
Kind regards

Patient replied :

Wow, I was really hoping for a better answer than that... I tought you could atleast tell me what kind of tests I could do to properly check if theres anything wrong with my nervous system or ligaments/joints. Its my joints that there is an issue with. It began with my physical problems. OF COURSE IT DEPRESSES ME!! But nothing will change with my mentality untill my physical condition can be treated. Here is something I have not shared with anyone due to the emberassment... I sucked my own dick a long time ago.. Thats how it all started. That combined with drug abuse of amphetamine was not a good combo.... Please I need more understanding. Ive had feelings of beeing weak physically, but it feels as my body tries to repair itself, but I need a quiet envoriment, because once the proccess of regaining better mobility begins a noise might appear and halt the whole process. I dunno how to cope with it!!! Please tell me what kinda test I could possibly do to check inside my own joints... Also please explain to me how many layers of ''things'' there is in the joints. Break it down for me please... There are ligaments, tendons and then what?? And how do I check my tendons??? And ligaments?? And whatever else helps one move ones body.
Also, I have problems with crashing into things because my brain wont take in all information, If I am to be metaforical about it, its like my antenna for spacial awareness is a little ''off''. That is a MAJOR issue for me. PLEASE I NEED SOMEONE. Im fucking desperate....

Also, my eyes are so stiff, my vision I mean... Its very hard to stay focused on anything.... I feel as my muscles are cramped up somewhere, like after a car crash... they need treatment to be releaxed again. BUT WHERE???? Im gonna try physio therapy again, but Im not sure if its gonna work... Is it actually possible to hurts one eyes ligaments?? Do they even have ligaments???? I find it hard to swallow things too sometimes, like pills.

Thanks for the follow-up question.
Depression manytimes presents with physical symptoms and the physical symptoms that you have stated do not fit into a physical medical illness. Thats the reason the doctors at your place are contemplating pschiatric medical reasons for your symptoms. Now the depression cannot be diagnosed with any kind of tests. Its a clinical judgement.
Regarding the investigation of joints, the MRIand CT scan can tell you about the anatomical state of these joints but again there are not tests to comment on the working well of these joints. There would be no sense in going for the MRI of the joints as most probably the report will come all normal. The layers are skin, sub cutaneous tissue, muscle, tendon, ligaments, joint (bone).
I understand that you are depressed due to the physical problems, what I am trying to make you understand is that the physical problems that you are having could be actually secondary to depression.
Coming to the last part, your sucking of your own dick will not cause thse symptoms physically. However the guilt of doing so can increase your depression and the resulting physical problems.
Hope this clarifies your confusion,

Patient replied :

Well I supose that makes sense... How do I cope with this though?? Im just very anxious about taking pills that I do not know what contains. Should I confess what I have done to my shrink?? I mean, it really is emberassing, lol. Its just super weird how these things can manifest into physical symtomps... Like I cant think clearly anymore. Can you recommend any exercises to do? Mental and physical, for coordination and concentration. What about meditation? Any kinda of meditation I should try ?

If you are taking modern system of medicine, then all the contents of the medicine might be clearly mentioned and the information is very widely available. If you have any specific doubts you can ask me.
You can mention to your psychiatrist about the incident and probably that can reduce the guilt for you. Being a psychiatrist, let me assure that we deal with the weirdest of weird things and this incident is not that bad.
Relaxation exercises can help. Jacobsons progressive muscle relaxation therapy can be useful for relaxation. You may meet a psychologist and get yourself trained in this therapy. This will help you in keeping you relaxed.
Also if you have a facility for power yoga, even that can help you.
Hope this helps,

Dr. Sudhir Kumar
Category: Pediatric Neurologist
Senior Residency, Fellowship: DM, Neurology, CMC, Vellore, 2001
Junior Residency: MD, Internal Medicine, CMC, Vellore, 1998
Medical School: MBBS, Christian Medical College, Vellore, 1995
Dr. Sudhir Kumar and 4 other Medical Specialists are ready to help you

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