Please read this all the way through….

I am a 57 year old male. I have been dealing with anxiety and depression my entire adult life. Panick attacks started in 2007. Finally in 2009 on the way to work one morning I had the final panic attack, nervous breakdown whatever. From then on each day was hell. After a year of this I was to the point of waking in the morning already sobbing. On the way to the kitchen for coffee I would be so upset I would be gagging. All through the day it would be like this. It ended when I went to bed for the night—totally exhausted. On nights I couldn’t sleep, well I don’t like to think about it. I have seen shrinks and counselors and groups etc. I have been prescribed all sorts of anti this and anti that. I was either totally miserable, sick, or both—no quality of life at all—I was just existing and just trying to hold on. I have a wife and two children—I could not leave them. I’m not suicidal and have never been—although I don’t know if that would have changed without the course I took to stop this hell I was in.

I had broken my foot. The doctor gave me pain killers. They were Percocet 10/325. Yes, they helped greatly with the physical pain. But I noticed that I could do things, things I hadn’t done or even wanted to do in years. No breakdowns, I could read a book, socialize—I didn’t feel high or euphoric, I just felt--I JUST FELT NORMAL. When the pills ran out I went back to the life of hell. A relative of mine always has this stuff. Occasionally I would get 2 or three. I’d break them in half, and take one in the morning, late afternoon and evening—and I was normal again. In May of 2011 I made a conscious decision to starting buying the 10/325 perks on the street or anywhere else I could get them. I wasn’t desperate—if I could find them GREAT, if not I’d just live in hell until some came along. Since that decision, I have mentally been pretty stable for the first time in many, many years. I don’t do them to get high or party—they don’t make me high, they just let me feel normal. I can go through the day without pending doom waiting for me around every corner. I can enjoy my family. I can live. To this day I strictly regiment the dosage to no more than two a day, usually a half (5mg) in the morning, half in the late noon, half in the evening and at times a half before bed.

My question is—is it so bad for me to be doing this? I can be in hell, or I can break a little white pill in half and take it, and live and be active and not suffer through mental torture (and I mean pure mental torture) daily.

They are very expensive on the street. I need help. I am terrified to go back to that life.

Please reply to this.