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Traetment for threatening, alarming behaviour of wife.

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What would be your action plan if your wife says :
- you are lazy when you do not wash one dish straight away after an exhausting week ?
- do not listen to you when you say she should not sleep in the same bed as your older boy aged 16 ?
Then, you told your son not to tell her that your best friend just got a baby as for various reasons she did not have another one ( high blood pressure, overweighted,no peace at home ...) and you do not want to make her sad.
Of course, he tells her. Then she gets back to you yelling you : why do you threaten my boy ? will you kill him ? and then I will never forgive you until my death that I did not have another child. Never . Never until my last breathing.
When I tell her that we seek advice or she seeks advice : she will say never, never.
What can I do on my side ? It feels like a big burden. And it has of course an impact on my work and my daily activities.It may also impact my health if not solved urgently : I have a little headache ( tension headache?) .
I could go on and on but let's focus on those three.
All feed back is appreciated.
Best regards,

Category: Family Physician-GP

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Dr. Deepu Sebin Sebastian is online now

Expert:  Dr. Deepu Sebin Sebastian replied 4 Days.

Thank you for your query at DoctorSpring.com
I understand your concern.
Has your wife's behavior towards you always been like this? Or is it a more recent change? Did you try talking to her and explaining to her frankly that her nagging is disturbing your mental peace and in a way it is not good for both of you. Such unncessary arguments lead to a lot of mental stress and later it starts manifesting itself in the form of hypertension, stress, tension headache ( which you're having right now ), increase in weight ( e.t.c )
You have to be firm and find out the reason of what is bothering her so much. And i personally both of you need a psychologist to counsel her and talk to both of you. You need a few sessions like that. It helps in sorting out the differences.
I will appreciate if you give me more history, if there is any cause leading to her recent behavior. Or if she has been disturbed by some other thought.

Patient replied :

Thanks for your quick reply.
It seems not very peaceful with my wife..
It has been a constant challenge for me. My recent guess is that these symptoms are restarted recently as she is in her menopause.She also has some not very good influences around her , always telling me about bad stories in another couples,... these can be related to her hormonal changes. the mood fluctuations, weakness, laziness, irritability and inappropriate anger and suspiciousness and threatening all can be related to hormonal changes at her age : 46 In between she has also asked for money and she is not concerned about family budget.. she has no capital , does not want to earn more than what is given by her borther for occasional help to his business . That is very disappointing for me after 20 years old patientof marriage..
I have been asking for help for long ; I have gone to psychiatric hospitals to get answers, to psychiatrists, to relatives, to moral institutions... It comes with waves more or less well managed by me. Can you suggest what can be done for best interest of her? and me ?
She is not willing for treatment or any kind of counseling. She just went to the cardiologist as urged by her brother because she has high blood pressure.
Can you give me or suggest me some medications that can be given to her ?
What could be immediate steps I should take to stop this behaviour ? Faced with the 3 situations I described, what would you do immediatly ? now ?
Life is wonderful but sometimes challenging.

Expert:  Dr. Deepu Sebin Sebastian replied 3 Days.

Thanks for your reply.
As i told you the ideal scenario would have been if you both could have taken 3-4 sessions with a psychologist. Sometimes talking to a third person who is neutral helps. I feel her the energy she is surrounded by is extremely negative and hence she is being judgmental towards whatever you do, as evidenced by three situations that you have mentioned. It will also be good, if you can just sit with her and explain the way you see things, and not the way she has been seeing till now. She needs to realise your importance.
However having said all that, i understand your wife has been adamant and she has been refusing to take any kind of treatment, or get psychology sessions. Which makes it doubly difficult for you as well as the physician to treat her. She obviously seems to be under slight depression, can be due to menopausal dysphoria, and that has to be clinically established by a psychiatrist.
In these situations, the safest and the best drug that will uplift her mood, and help in getting rid of the negative energy will be Tab. Zoloft ( 50 mg/ day once a night, dose can be titrated according to response.) This is a prescription drug and you need to consult your local physician to get the drug. It is considerably safe, reduces panic attacks, social awkwardness, OCD, depression, helps in menopausal symptoms, clinical depression, e.t.c
It is very commonly used too and generally well tolerated.
But ideally before starting any medicine, a psychiatrist consult is must. If possible may be you can talk to some of her friends who can indirectly suggest her to meet one?
Hope this was helpful,

Patient replied :

Thanks for your time and consideration.
What if she says no as she did up to now when I offered help and suggested external advice ? What are my self defence tools ? Should I limit my exposure to her to reduce her not very healthy behavior ? what about the children ?

Expert:  Dr. Deepu Sebin Sebastian replied 2 Days.

It's such a dicey situation.
I'm hoping she cares enough to change soon.
If she has stopped caring, then it is extremely hard to fix her.
If it is possible, try to get her to be influenced by someone who can actually force her to get an opinion, like her brother? That is the only way she will listen.
Because it's detrimental towards both of your health.
Even for your children, it's unhealthy to be exposed to such an atmosphere. It's high time she either starts treatment or gets a consult where she can be assessed. Is there any way you can talk to a psychologist, to approach her as a friend and may be guide her? Try to see if anyone you know knows some good psychologist, who is willing to talk to your wife as a friend. For some people it is very difficult to accept that they need to see the shrink. Once they hear, they avoid it. So may be a psychologist can talk to her as a friend not revealing his/her occupation. I am just trying to think possibly how i can get her to change, so that your mental stress goes away.

Dr. Deepu Sebin Sebastian
Category: Select Speciality
MD, Internal Medicine - Stanley Medical School
Medical School - MBBS - Govt. Medical College, Kottyaam

Diagnostic Prediction - Stanford School of Medicine
Received Specialty training in Critical Care, Cardiology, Neurology, Gastroenterology, Nephrology from Stanley Medical College and in Endocrinology, Rheumatology.

Hematology and Geriatrics from Madras Medical College.
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